Defeat the Elite
by Dra-Cat
Summary: Itachi Uchiha, the reigning champion of Mario Kart Wii, is bored. Extremely bored. So what better to do that to challenge 9 other S-class criminals to a....."friendly" game of Mario Kart? Rated T for language.


**I got bored during class, and my friends were writing fics. So, I decided, what the hell, I'll write something.**

**This piece of crack happened. Hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, all of the Akatsuki would be alive, Sakura would be dead, Sasuke would've been gotten rid of a long time ago, and there would be less flashbacks. And there might possibly be dancing monkeys. So yeah, I no own. **

"First place. Again." Perfect monotone.

Itachi sat in the main living area of the Akatsuki's hideout, bored out of his mind. He had won yet another game against the computer players in Mario Kart Wii, and there was nothing left to unlock. He would have been happier if it wasn't complete, but somehow, between his play times, some of the Grand Prix had been conquered, with a rank of three stars, without himself accomplishing them. He would have remembered something like that, so he was positive it hadn't been him. So who had it been? It was a mystery not even the Uchiha prodigy himself could unravel.

Resting lazily on the pale red couch in the center of the room, the Wii remote and nunchuck grasped loosely in his hands, Itachi wondered how long he had been playing the game for. A few hours, at most. He'd done seven of the eight cups today in Mirror Mode, placing in first quite easily every time. These computers were too easy, their patterns effortlessly figured out a long time ago. There were never any close finishes, never any struggles to be the first in every single lap. As a result, he had some amazingly high scores consisting of very low times. The Time Trials had been run numerous times already. There wasn't much else to do on the game, either. The Akatsuki did, in fact, have Wi-fi connection, but even those players around the world (which strangely enough, had occasionally popped up a Mii with strangely-familiar black, duck-butt hair named Wesl-killr. Exactly what 'Wesl-killr' meant was yet another mystery to the Uchiha, but they seemed to hold a grudge against him every time they met in a race) couldn't even compare to him, and would usually drop out after a few races until they would come back to, hopefully, see Itachi not on the racer list.

Itachi sighed softly, still bored with no one to race. He could try beating all of the courses and coming in first by playing upside-down, but he wouldn't dare stoop to that childish level (not to mention the couch wasn't exactly comfortable enough for that, and like _hell_ would he play on the floor. Damn Kakuzu and his wanting the cheapest things possible habit). Wasn't there anyone tough enough to stand up to him? Seriously, an S-Class criminal like himself should be getting more chall--

S-class criminal. The rather obvious solution struck him. There were but nine people he had yet to play against. Every one of them, from the hyper and sugar-crazed Tobi, to even the withdrawn Akatsuki leader had played the Wii for many consecutive hours at some point since they had stol--'_purchased'_ Nintendo's newest and shiniest console. But never had they played against him, the reigning champion of Mario Kart.

Itachi smirked. That would kill a few hours.

MKWMKWMKWMKWMKWMKW

In the living room previously occupied by only the Uchiha, there now sat five people: the blue-skinned shark nin, Kisame, lying in the gray recliner with his arms dangling off of the sides; the silver-haired Jashin-religion enthusiast, Hidan, sitting cross-legged on the floor with his head leaning, what seemed to be uncomfortably, against the coffee table (not like he cared, he actually _enjoyed _pain and the uncomfortable-ness of wooden furniture); the only female of the organization, Konan, sitting on the end of the couch Itachi wasn't occupying; the redhead puppeteer, Sasori, claiming the only other single-person chair in the room; and Itachi himself, situated in the same spot on the couch as before. The other five members would be coming soon, or most of them would, anyway. Zetsu's two halves really didn't care to play, and Deidara….just mumbled something about working on his art (that…and he didn't want anything to do with the Uchiha).

The first victim of the hour was Kisame. He already had the wireless GameCube controller in his hands, having just picked the first thing he saw. He knew he would lose, as he didn't play that particular game as much as the others, so what was the point in preparing?

There was no need to turn the game on, or wait for the menu to come up, as Itachi hadn't turned it off since early in the morning. They were on the select a character screen: Itachi had quickly claimed Bowser, his main racer. Kisame took a few seconds to choose, as he didn't have a set character. In the end, he decided for Donkey Kong, just on a whim.

As for karts, Itachi chose the Flame Runner, and after a moment's decision, Kisame chose the Standard Bike.

"Aw, come on Kisame, you're fucking boring," Hidan jeered. Kisame turned to give him a glare, but Hidan looked back to the screen casually.

"Shut it, Hidan." The Jashinist blatantly ignored him.

When Itachi glanced at the shark nin on which course he wanted, he shrugged and said, "Anything's fine."

"Hn." Of course. Even when playing a game, Itachi still showed no emotion. He flicked the control stick around to a random cup and course, ending up on Desert Hills in the Leaf Cup (A/N: The irony). Not his favorite course, but Itachi liked it. Kisame was indifferent, as he had been the whole time.

Naturally, as soon as the race started, Bowser rocketed out of the start and immediately took the lead, DK behind him in fourth. Kisame kept a steady pace, occasionally switching between third and fifth, but Itachi stayed up in first for the entire duration of the race, where nothing (except for a few spiny shells, but even those were miniscule) could hurt him. His fingers worked expertly at the controls, cruising flawlessly around every turn, bend, and corner. Kisame played pretty well too, now firmly established in second place, still far behind Itachi. When at last he had crossed the finish line, Itachi was leaning on his side, his head rested on one arm. Kisame tossed the controller to Hidan and simply stated, "Yer turn t' lose."

"Bastard."

"Thank you."

--

After Itachi's nineteenth consecutive victory (some of the members had to have a rematch or two…or five), he was more than cocky. Of course, he didn't state (or act) it aloud. The other eight members, four of them having finally come (Zetsu's double curiosity got the best of him), lay lazily around, none of them daring to challenge the Uchiha prodigy again.

A few seconds later, footsteps from the hallway leading into the living room could be heard, and Deidara strolled in. Stopping outside of the doorway, he glanced at the members, some of them staring back at him, and calmly walked to the kitchen. A wall blocked its view from the living room, so all the other eight members heard was the opening and closing of the fridge, followed by the young blond's steps back into the room. Stopping once again, a water bottle clutched in one hand, he stated sarcastically, "Don't we all look energetic today, un." He shrugged off a glare from the Jashinist.

"Shut up, blondie. Not like you could even try what we've been doing."

"What, play Mario Kart for the past ten hours? It's not that hard, Hidan, un."

Kisame spoke up. "Against Itachi-san, yeah, it's hard. All of us ('cept Zetsu, 'cause he didn't want t' play) lost badly." Deidara let out a quick laugh and began walking back to his room. But then, Itachi himself addressed the artist.

"Are you scared, Dei-chan?" Said bomber froze in his spot, completely ignoring the nickname he had been given only recently. "Although, I can see why. If you play Mario Kart as well as you make your 'art', then I would not want to race myself either." A loud "Oooooooo" and "You got served" sounded from the rest of the group.

His head slowly turning, Deidara faced Itachi to glare harshly at him. Grasping the water bottle so hard it looked like it was about to burst, he stomped over to Hidan, who had regained ownership of the second controller.

"Give it, un."

Hidan grinned. "You don't _want_ to play. So why should I?"

"_Because I said so, un_."

"Nah, I don't think s-"

"GIVE ME THE DAMN CONTROLLER, UN!" Eyes wide at Deidara's sudden use of harsh language, the Jashinist quickly gave the blond the controller and backed away slowly. The silver GameCube controller in hand, Deidara situated himself in the middle of the couch occupied by Itachi and Konan, setting the water container on the coffee table. He again glared at Itachi, and asked impatiently, "Are we gonna play or what, un?" Itachi stayed silent and went back to the character select screen.

Yet again, as for all the past times, Itachi chose Bowser, not that he ever chose anything different. He silently pondered who the bomber would choose. The rest of Akatsuki watched attentively, their eyes fixed on the television screen.

Without a moment's hesitation, Deidara selected Yoshi. As in the cute little green dinosaur….thing. A couple of mouths dropped. "You're playing as THAT?" Apparently Hidan had recovered.

"Yeah, I always play as him. Why, un?"

"He's for fucking little kids!" A remote chucked at his head silenced and effectively knocked him out.

"There, shut him up for you," Kakuzu said casually from the floor.

So much for recovery.

"Choose the course already!" Tobi shouted excitedly. "Tobi's sure that Deidara-sempai will win!"

"**They have to choose the karts **("or bikes," his white side added)** first, idiot,**" Zetsu's black half responded.

Itachi had already selected his bike, as had Deidara. He had chosen the Standard M Bike, saying that "It's always worked well for me, un." Itachi inwardly grinned (not externally, of course. This is the cold-blooded bastard, Uchiha Itachi, playing here). This would be his easiest win for the day. "Now choose the course, weasel, un."

"No preference?" Itachi asked, ignoring the name he had been given.

"Doesn't matter, you're going to lose anyway, un." Another chorus of "OOOOOOOOOOO's" sounded.

"A bit full of yourself, aren't you, brat?"

"Considering Itachi's going down, then yeah, Danna, un." At this point, the Uchiha himself wanted to destroy Deidara. Which he would. Leading to the hardest course on the game:

Rainbow Road.

Such a horrifying, threatening name, huh?

Yeah, downright terrifying.

Both of the players focusing back on the screen, they saw that the countdown was about to start. As the 2 faded away from the screen, they both held down the acceleration button, their respective bikes charging in place with the wheels spinning wildly. None of the other Akatsuki members had done that so far; apparently Deidara actually knew what he was doing. As soon as the large START appeared on the screen, they rocketed out of the starting line and left the computer players behind, neither having a definite lead. Itachi, along with the other members, were slightly surprised: so far, no one had been able to even keep within the same distance as the Uchiha within the first ten seconds. Deidara had done it easily. This boy wasn't a pushover, Itachi decided immediately. He was a force to be reckoned with.

Both racers' fingers moved smoothly but furiously, their bodies gradually leaning closer to the television screen, their characters keeping in constant sight of one another. For the first time that day, or even that week, heck, even that month, Itachi had been in second place for a length of time. Deidara was good. Very good.

They completed the first lap of the monstrous course without difficulty. The only items either had gotten so far were a few Fake Item Boxes and one or two Banana Peels, each. It made sense though, since one only got the good items the further behind they were in the race.

At the beginning of the second lap, Deidara was ahead by a slim lead. The other Akatsuki members were sitting in stunned silence, all of them now leaning forward in anticipation. Yoshi and Bowser flew through the item boxes at the end of the first ramp, both of them attaining one Green Shell each. Itachi immediately held his behind the bike as defense, while Deidara kept his hold on his own. The blond forced his character in front of Itachi's, much to the Uchiha's annoyance, and did what was thought to be the impossible:

While crossing the wave-like area of the track, he shot the shell at Itachi, effectively crashing into the Uchiha's character and cleanly knocking him off of the course.

Said Uchiha gaped.

Seven other Akatsuki gaped.

Deidara smirked.

Itachi hadn't once fallen off of a track since he first started playing.

"Ho. Ly. Crap."

The blond now had a very strong lead, halfway across the large platform with two gigantic holes in the center. By the time Itachi had been placed back on the track and had arrived at the beginning of that area, Deidara was already through the tunnel that shot the racer through the air. Itachi fought hastily to catch up, but Deidara kept the same distance between them.

"Uchiha _prodigy_, my ass, un."

Cue the "OOOOOOO"'ing again. One could almost see the killing intent in Itachi's eyes. Those that were insane enough to actually look, that is.

By the end of the second lap, Yoshi was still completely in the lead, with Bowser slowly but surely catching up. Itachi knew better this time than to stay directly behind him when the artist had a green shell; he wouldn't make _that_ mistake again.

The middle of the third, and final, lap: Itachi was but a short distance behind now, and he still had a good chance of winning. Itachi had just entered the tunnel, and took the few seconds reprieve to glance over at Deidara's controller. His fingers were moving expertly, seemingly completely used to playing the game for hours on end. He snapped his eyes back to the screen as the tunnel shot him out, and it was down to the final few stretches of the course. Deidara was only a few seconds ahead now, thanks to his bike's average speed. They were on the same platform, less than twenty seconds from the finish line. He glanced at the items: He didn't have anything, but Deidara had snagged an item box, which was randomly choosing an item. Thankful that the blond didn't have anything, especially with his expert aiming, Itachi slid Bowser close to Yoshi, preparing to ram him off. He was coming close, just a little more and Deidara would lose, leaving all the glory for Itachi again.

Itachi didn't notice the Banana Peel dropped before him half a second before he collided with it, sending him spiraling down off of the track once more. That was it. Deidara now had free reign to cross the finish line.

Which he did. First. As in _before_ Itachi did.

A mere eight seconds later, Itachi crossed as well, effectively gaining second place. The silence was deafening. Itachi stared in disbelief at the screen, while the others did the same or were staring at Deidara. The blond was grinning widely, his anger at Itachi long gone. Jumping up, he yelled, "I KICKED UCHIHA BASTARD'S ASS, UN!" Laughing madly to himself, he left the living room and headed back towards his own room, but not before addressing Itachi with, "In case you were wondering, I'm the one who got all those gold cups for you, un." As he disappeared from sight, the others registered what had happened. Aside from the still-unconscious Hidan and of course Itachi, all of the members began to cheer and laugh.

"Wow, 'Tachi. Dei completely killed you there!" Kisame roared with laughter.

"And only in one try. Impressive." Kakuzu nodded.

"Seems the brat had a right to be sure of himself on this one." Sasori felt proud of his younger partner, for once.

"Tobi knew Deidara-sempai would win! Tobi was right all along!" Tobi squealed with glee.

"**Nice loss, Itachi**," Zetsu's dark half cynically remarked, his white side trying to hold back a snicker.

Even Konan and Pein themselves were laughing, but they didn't bother to tease Itachi, who showed indifference on his expression. Just ignore them, and they'll go away…

Yeah. Right. Brain-check for the weasel.

As the commotion wore down after about twenty minutes, Itachi having face-palmed many, many times, each member (save Hidan) left to go find something to do, a few of them planning to go congratulate Deidara on his win (which he accepted ever-so-graciously, except for when Tobi tried to tackle/hug him. That didn't work so well. The walls in his room were now graced with_ yet_ another decorative layer of black residue from the resulting explosion).

Hours later, the hideout was completely silent, except for the echoes of two pairs of footsteps. Both Itachi and Deidara walked into the living room at the same time, from different entrances; the Uchiha glared at the blond, who nonchalantly shrugged it off. _"Sore loser weasel,"_ the blond mouthed, only to earn another fuming glare. He snickered softly and continued on his way to the kitchen, leaving Itachi by himself in the room. Well, maybe not by himself.

Hidan decided to wake up at that moment. His hand over his head where the remote had hit him, he asked, "What'd I miss?"

Snickering came from the kitchen.

And Itachi's killing intent had probably never been higher.

FIN

**A/N: Be kind enough to review if you enjoyed! I'd like to know what I can do to improve.**


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